


Tied Together With A Smile

by Numerix



Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Other, TW Suicide mention, jihyo centric, please don't read this fic if you are uncomfortable with the following, rated m to be safe, tw anxiety, tw depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-01-08
Packaged: 2019-10-06 15:24:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17347670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Numerix/pseuds/Numerix
Summary: She's coming undone, and it terrifies her.





	Tied Together With A Smile

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back after a very long, long writer's block. I decided to go with this pretty heavy fic so please please read the warnings
> 
> There are subtle mentions of depression, anxiety, and possibly even suicide. Please don't read this if you are uncomfortable with any of these.

Roaring crowds were still not enough to silence the doubts that screamed inside her mind, defeating the external noise that could shake the whole world. Yet, hers remains steady at the same thought that she needs to do more, that she still needs work, that she can never be good enough.

 

Seeds of insecurities have been planted inside her so recklessly that they’ve outgrown their limits, invading other thoughts that would have otherwise made her achievements more satisfactorily rather than a self-reflection of some sort of deficiency. Even when it isn’t there, even after constant reassurance from the eight other girls, she finds one aspect to try to improve.

 

“We’re not saying you don’t have to improve, Jihyo. I’m just saying that you’re already more than good enough.”

 

With a sea of a million fans and strings of successes in the past year, she still gets swallowed up in the hate and the failures. She takes each one a personal stab to her heart, for she is the heart of the group. The one who has to lead them is predicted greatness and fear of a burnout, under her watch, would be too much to bear, especially with her friends relying on her.

 

“I have to be more than that.”

 

The leader’s burden, they call it.

 

And, as expected of her, she smiled.

 

~~

 

Countless trainees have passed through the company, had left without compensation or reaped the benefits of debuting. Each one of them prettier, brighter, better.

 

It was a nearly impossible feat for her to follow in the footsteps of hit after a hit. But she had to. That’s why it was much more painful for her to have come out as a colossal failure: a song that was rolling down the chart like gravity pulling it down as hard as it could and an audience that was laughing at her, at them simply because she could not live up to the JYP standard.

 

“You’ve waited well, Jihyo. Just wait a little more. It’ll get easier, I promise.”

 

She can wait. She’s good at that, at least.

 

And so, she smiled.

 

~~

 

She carries a weight on her shoulders so the others won’t have to. At a young age, she was plunged into this role, with the general public keeping a watchful eye, waiting for her to fail.

 

“She’s too fat.”

 

“She’s not that pretty.”

 

“She’s too loud.”

 

“She can’t even sing that well.”

 

“Twice can work without her.”

 

“Why her?”

 

Endless verbal torment was painted on her skin, permanent ink that settled on its new host as her tears dried up. The words, of those who never knew her, came to define her. The judgment brought upon her by people who had no right to judge became her. They wrote the narrative for her, and she was willing to go along with it.

 

“There wouldn’t be a Twice without you, Jihyo. You’re too important.”

 

She can still allow herself one bout of happiness through their looming darkness and annoying dissonance. The conversation wore on, but never her strength. She wasn’t that fragile. She won’t let herself be.

 

“Thank you, Tzuyu.”

 

And thus, she smiled.

 

~~

 

The thoughts from the public had gotten better since then. Several fans now claiming her to be their bias and proclaimed God. People were now ready to worship her at her feet.

 

But the role didn’t relieve her of her duties. There was a direct relationship between the number of who love you and the number of those who wanted you to fail. And she found herself stuck in a statistical growth of people who were ready for her to break. She had to be more responsible with her image, more cautious in her actions and with the people she interacted with.

 

There was an unwritten rule that once you were at the apex, then the harder your fall would be. And Jihyo did everything she can to prevent that, especially with the eight girls she’d drag along with her.

 

“The world doesn’t deserve Park Jihyo.”

 

To her, the cruel world would have spun on its orbit just fine without her. She is one person out of eight billion people on a planet that had continued to function and facilitate on its own before and after her. She’s merely Park Jihyo.

 

“I’m not too sure about that, Mina.”

 

She existed because she could, though at times she wonders if she should.

 

And yet, she smiled.

 

~~

 

She’s exhausted.

 

She knew the consequences of becoming an idol: never-ending shoots for albums or magazines or commercial films, a constant stream of new choreographies to learn and songs to record, perpetual promoting in South Korea and Japan, and awards season that always comes by the time they have to rest.

 

The energy of the idol is juxtaposed with her repressed lethargy, for fear that she might run out of adrenaline and lose momentum.

 

“It’s okay to rest sometimes, you know.”

 

But there’s a larger fear that she hides from the rest because it betrays her unyielding resolve as the team leader. She was more than just a role model to her fans, she was a role model to her friends, looking to her and expecting her to be strongest out of the nine. She is tired but she won’t allow herself to be.

 

Learn to hide your brokenness and you start convincing yourself that you’re not.

 

And still, she smiled.

 

~~

 

She’s coming undone, and it terrifies her.

 

As the visual representation of virtuous patience, unparalleled success, unequivocal goodness of heart, and resolute leadership, she still believed her best could have been better.

 

It is clear in her speeches that she still lacks so many things, that she’s working to fill the gaps, and become a better idol and person. People can boil it down to modesty and this is where her true character shines the most, that in spite of the fame and success, she was as humble as she was before she received them.

 

Insecurities manifest themselves quickly in the minds of the impressionable youth, especially if this particular youth was subject to public scrutiny. It doesn’t take a hundred awards or a million fans to uproot a childhood, or even teenhood, insecurity that easily. The words may not matter anymore, but they still spill over into adulthood. Apprehensions and doubts still follow her as eternal fossils of who she once was and who she still may be.

 

She wants to cry. She wants to break down.

 

Everything is cathartic: all of her repressed sorrow and frustration expelling out of her all at once after being confronted by the girls.

 

“It’s okay, Jihyo. You’re safe here.”

 

She doesn’t try to smile. Not today.

 

~~

 

She looks to her members: the friends she gained along the way, forming a bond that could rival families by blood. She remembers her choices and wonders if they were the right ones. Well, they’d have to be if they led her here.

 

Her empathetic nature takes root in her immediately the moment she’s given the mantle, trying hard to understand their burdens and carrying it for them.

 

But Jihyo learns that she’s not by herself anymore, that she’s no longer the ten-year trainee who’s seen the rest of the company move on without her, that she’s not alone in all of this.

 

They learn to carry their weights together. They have been for three years.

 

So, Jihyo smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. Let me know if you liked it, hated it, or somewhere in the middle.


End file.
